Back to where I stop

This is the latest me in the year of 2010! Taken this in Ng Yin Ho's ride. Once again I will start blogging about all my nonsense thoughts, not too sure if people were to read it and feel the same like I do. Gonna start after this update, same same my life is always this SUCKS!

Hurting Inside

Blogging this sitting outside my apartment balcony, heavy rain just stopped like 15 minutes ago. I have so many things being kept away from the one I love and those I care, is 702am now and i couldn't sleep even though Im tired. The reason being is because Im feeling hurt inside, like someone is grabbing my heart and wanting to pull it out. I wanna cry like a baby now, but I couldn't.. It makes me even more unsettled, this feeling I had it one and a half year ago when the one I love hurt me and left a scar that I believe is still not healing. I desperately want it to heal and just be like how I used to be, the chilling type where I won't suspect my BF of cheating. After that incident I swear it changed me hell a lot, I became so paranoid when the feeling of suspicious hit! Yet I tried to hide it and pretend like is okay. Call me stupid but when you love someone this much what shit you are not willing to go through? I don't check his phone, I don't stalk his computer, I don't question him where he goes ( sometimes I do when I snapped ). There are many reasons why I still with him, 1st Im curious what future holds between him and me, 2nd I wanna be his joy to see him smile and be there for him like how I want him to be there for me. Im not selfish, I just want him to treat me like how I treat him.. but i know sometimes is hard for a guy to act like a real gentlemen. Go back to why I feel shit and hurt inside, I feel that this relationship of mine is not going anywhere further. We don't do what normal couple do, like traveling to somewhere near only the both of us, enjoy a nice dinner only the both of us, go out as a couple to any of our friend's events, birthdays, gathering or so on and so fort. I don't get to appear in any of his friends invites, he won't join me in anything if i asked him to. He only appeared in my aunts house for dinner once.. and only that once. There is nothing he is willing to do for me and only me, not even when i ask him to. He never stay with me at my home for about a month plus already, I dunno the reason why is because I didn't ask. I sometimes wonder why is he still with me when he doesn't do much. If he think he has given his best, Im sorry to say but he could do better than that. I feel like letting go so bad is because Im so tired of pretending Im actually happy with who he is now, I know Im lying to myself. It hurts so bad that I want all of it to end, but first I have to get hurt even worst by breaking up with someone I love and move on from there. Im scared he will forget who i am and who i was in his life. This cannot continue, everyone knows it. He used to stay up late and wait for me to finish work and pick me up from work den bring me home to his place. Tonight was different, I took cab back from KL Zouk back to PJ at 2am.. he didn't wait for me to reach home and den only sleep, while I was on the way.. he msged saying he's gonna K.O now and msg him when Im home, now is 738am I didn't msg him when I reach home.. he didn't call. I dislike a lot but I still wanna be with him this is my fucking problem. Im hoping for a change in him that i have been waiting for a very long time. Yes, Im still waiting.