Back to where I stop

This is the latest me in the year of 2010! Taken this in Ng Yin Ho's ride. Once again I will start blogging about all my nonsense thoughts, not too sure if people were to read it and feel the same like I do. Gonna start after this update, same same my life is always this SUCKS!

Hurting Inside

Blogging this sitting outside my apartment balcony, heavy rain just stopped like 15 minutes ago. I have so many things being kept away from the one I love and those I care, is 702am now and i couldn't sleep even though Im tired. The reason being is because Im feeling hurt inside, like someone is grabbing my heart and wanting to pull it out. I wanna cry like a baby now, but I couldn't.. It makes me even more unsettled, this feeling I had it one and a half year ago when the one I love hurt me and left a scar that I believe is still not healing. I desperately want it to heal and just be like how I used to be, the chilling type where I won't suspect my BF of cheating. After that incident I swear it changed me hell a lot, I became so paranoid when the feeling of suspicious hit! Yet I tried to hide it and pretend like is okay. Call me stupid but when you love someone this much what shit you are not willing to go through? I don't check his phone, I don't stalk his computer, I don't question him where he goes ( sometimes I do when I snapped ). There are many reasons why I still with him, 1st Im curious what future holds between him and me, 2nd I wanna be his joy to see him smile and be there for him like how I want him to be there for me. Im not selfish, I just want him to treat me like how I treat him.. but i know sometimes is hard for a guy to act like a real gentlemen. Go back to why I feel shit and hurt inside, I feel that this relationship of mine is not going anywhere further. We don't do what normal couple do, like traveling to somewhere near only the both of us, enjoy a nice dinner only the both of us, go out as a couple to any of our friend's events, birthdays, gathering or so on and so fort. I don't get to appear in any of his friends invites, he won't join me in anything if i asked him to. He only appeared in my aunts house for dinner once.. and only that once. There is nothing he is willing to do for me and only me, not even when i ask him to. He never stay with me at my home for about a month plus already, I dunno the reason why is because I didn't ask. I sometimes wonder why is he still with me when he doesn't do much. If he think he has given his best, Im sorry to say but he could do better than that. I feel like letting go so bad is because Im so tired of pretending Im actually happy with who he is now, I know Im lying to myself. It hurts so bad that I want all of it to end, but first I have to get hurt even worst by breaking up with someone I love and move on from there. Im scared he will forget who i am and who i was in his life. This cannot continue, everyone knows it. He used to stay up late and wait for me to finish work and pick me up from work den bring me home to his place. Tonight was different, I took cab back from KL Zouk back to PJ at 2am.. he didn't wait for me to reach home and den only sleep, while I was on the way.. he msged saying he's gonna K.O now and msg him when Im home, now is 738am I didn't msg him when I reach home.. he didn't call. I dislike a lot but I still wanna be with him this is my fucking problem. Im hoping for a change in him that i have been waiting for a very long time. Yes, Im still waiting.

Living in the shadow of love

I don't wanna be living in the shadow of love, i cant bear myself being treated this way.
In my mind and soul i just wanted normal love like anyone else,
he told me am not giving him enough time with his friends. But i barely spend time together with his friends,
all this while i didn't say u couldn't go out, but going club all the time without me, what will i have in mind?
it feels like i am not part of your life. It feels like i am something u are ashamed about,
issit because i not up to your friends expectation.

Dinner Time!!!

This is what i've been cooking to feed myself and baybee donkey = donkye. It doesnt taste so bad afterall.ahaha. Anyway this is just part of what we eat.

London my snow dream came true

Since when I was a lil girl I found out what my chinese name means, 'Yellow Purple Snow' direct translate in cantonese will be 'Wong Chee Shuet'.That is when I start having a passion in snow. How would it feels like to be shower with snow fall?. Here I am in London where I have my dream came true. First day when I reach here was 1st of february and the heavy snow came the day after which is on the 2nd of february. Am happy because london itself didnt have such heavy snow since 7 years ago. I consider myself really lucky to experienced snow in london.=)

rainy day fer me..

I dunno why im feelin sad and not happie nowadays. I just wanna be someone happy and dun need to worry nuts about anythin. Eventually, i cant be. Sometimes somethin already happened and it will haunt u for life, there is a scar in my heart towards alot of things. I used to be strong in handling myself and my love life. Now? Its pretty hard for me to face myself, I cant face myself. I know what's right and what's wrong, yet I still make the wrong choice. My friends says that Im stupid and why I choose this when I deserve better?. Im running away from the fact, Im running away from reality. I really dun wanna see myself end up like my mother. She's too perfect for a women and she gave her life to a wrong wrong man, that is my father. Since I was a kiddo my mom, grandma and my aunt always warn me about boys, now that Im a lady they all warn me about man. I dont listen to them and I always go against what they ask me to do. But when I have a few big incidents happened in life that has got to do with man, I turn my back and ask for they're help. Slowly I understand what they're trying to make me understand all along. I've learned that no matter how much u think u can trust someone, DONT! by end of the day they will betrayed u. That is what happened to me recently, i love my bf a lot and I gave my all because he showed me that he was diff from others in the beginning . I made a big mistake, I trusted him with all my heart. In the end I was the one that was hurt deep within.

funnie faces.

I know i got button nose. But i like it thooooo. Im having holiday mood dee that i dun feel like working. Im leaving for london on the 1st of feb 09 woooooohoooo! And i get to visit my mommy in holland europe. Hehe! enjoying nee...

(^_________^)

Dont make me angwee anymore ahhh baybee. Slap and smack ur bum bum next time. hmmph!